A psychologist talked about behavior patterns and how to change them
All people have occasional conflicts with people close to them. But it is not always clear to them what leads to a dispute and how to help themselves and their partner effectively get out of a hackneyed scenario. Psychologist Alyona Nizhneva told Izvestia on September 22, psychologist Alyona Nizhneva told Izvestia about different pattern schemes and how to change them.
"We grow up in society, we observe from childhood how close adults interact, we absorb ideas about relationships through movies, books, stories. Gradually growing up, we ourselves enter into relationships with ideas about 'how things should be in relationships.' These ideas can change in the life cycle of relationships, can remain initial, migrating into new relationships," she said.
The psychologist identified several schemas that automatically influence a person's behavior in relationships.
Abandonment/failure. Thoughts of a partner's unreliability, that he or she might turn and walk away.
Distrust/expectation of abuse. Partner seems threatening, likely to neglect or treat with cruelty.
Emotional Deprivation. There is an expectation that needs for attention, care, empathy will not be met in the relationship.
Defectiveness/shame. A belief in your own inferiority and that you are not loved.
Social isolation/exclusion. Feeling alone when you are around your partner, seeming not to be understood or noticed.
Dependency. It seems like you can't survive without your partner and can't take care of yourself outside of the relationship.
Failure. A belief that you will fail in the relationship and in other areas.
Privilege/Grandiosity. The belief that you are superior to your partner and the expectation that the other should support you and fulfill your every need at all times.
Self-sacrifice/subordination. You feel like you should put your partner's needs above your own, sacrificing your own.
Rigid standards. The belief that you and your partner must meet certain standards. If the requirements are not met, critical, punitive behavior is triggered.
"I would also like to point out that the existence of the pattern is not our fault. As you have noticed, there are quite a few factors that influence the emergence of a schema pattern. But having a scheme does not oblige us to always follow it," Nizhneva explained.
The psychologist explained what you need to do to change the pattern. According to her, first you need to identify it, and then learn to notice in which situations it is activated. To do this, she advised describing the facts of the situation, observing your thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations and naming the pattern that triggered it.
"Once you learn to observe the occurrence of the schema, you can identify your values about your partner and yourself. Values refer to your qualities that are important for you to exhibit in this situation, even though the schema is activated. For example, being a loving and caring girlfriend even though you fall into the "privilege" schema. Or to be someone who continues to notice your needs, even if you realize that at times you play the scheme of "self-sacrifice and submission", - said the psychologist.
The specialist specified that after that it is necessary to describe in detail a specific behavior that will be a manifestation of your value qualities. For example, in the scheme of "privilege" with the intention to be loving and caring, it is worth asking your partner how exactly he wants to spend the weekend and look for a way of rest suitable for both of you or to be interested in his opinion before buying a new sofa, and not to solve all these issues independently without taking into account the opinion of the other.
"In the case of the scheme "self-sacrifice and submission" - to notice your needs in the situation and, for example, openly tell the other that right now it is important to pause and rest, and not to cook dinner," - concluded Nizhneva.
In June, PR-director of the deiting-service "Mamba" Natalia Krasilnikova told "Izvestia" how to recognize abuser at the initial stages of communication. According to her, the first thing that is important to pay attention to is the description of the profile of a potential partner. If there is toxic criticism or intolerance towards any groups of people, this is a red flag.
